Can't believe it's six days since I last posted. Time sometimes has a way of passing me by, or me passing it by, I'm not really sure. I know it's been a busy week, and busy tends to end up meaning tiring. And I am tired. Very tired.
Despite that fact, it is 11.34pm and I am sitting on the sofa tapping away into my keyboard. I'm not sure what I want to write, I just know that I went to bed exhausted and had so much running through my mind I couldn't sleep.
It is Mr P's birthday today. He got his main present from me a few weeks ago, so was a bit weird that I didn't have anything exciting to give him today. I wanted things to be special, but because I've been so tired and distracted I've wondered whether I could have made it more special. I know he very pragmatically would say 'it is what it is', but I want him to be happy, and feel special. I'm hoping he did, and that he knows how much he means to me.
(I ended up taking myself off to bed at this point, knowing that if I was to stay up longer I would be creating problems for me (us) in the coming days).
We did have a lovely day out on Friday (our weekend is Friday/Saturday) - went back to La Parrilla for brunch, and, shock of shocks, I actually had some alcohol, and, yes, was probably a few stops beyond tipsy. I wanted the day to be lovely. I wanted to laugh freely with Mr P, I wanted him to feel what we used to have - FUN, and so I made the decision that I would drink and deal with any consequences later.
My prosecco started off very diluted, but that changed to full glasses without soda water, and then there was some Pimms, and then even some wine that had been chilling in the fridge since at least September!
Did I have fun? Yes. Did I laugh freely? Yes. Did Mr P enjoy his day? Yes, I believe so. Did I enjoy my day? Yes.
Did I have a rubbish sleep, worrying about whether alcohol was going to mess with my medication? Yes. Did I send Mr P a message telling him what medication I took and what time I took it, in case I didn't wake up in the morning? Yes. Did I overreact? Yes. Did I have a rotten headache in the morning? Yes. Has it made me tired? Yes.
Was it worth it? Yes. Will I do it every week? Probably not, but it's nice to know that I can.
I met with some of the group from lunch the other week, and quite a number who weren't at the lunch. I (still) had a sore head (yes, two days later) and was knackered and didn't want to go, but I forced myself to go. Did I have fun? Yes. Did I laugh? Yes. Did I feel free to be me? Yes.
Does this give me some confidence that the 'me' that I am, is actually okay, and, although a work in progress, I can still make friends and enjoy life along the way? Yes. I think this is a win.
My last post was about the sea, and how perhaps life is like the sea, a series of waves, some of them gentle, and some of them rough. I am trying to be kinder to myself on that front, but have to say I'm struggling to stay focused when there seems to be so much going on.
I really want to figure out my business, and I have signed up for programmes and groups that will help me do this, but having signed up for two, I now feel overwhelmed as to where to start. Questioning myself - should I have just done one; did I get too excited by signing up for two? I'm also going to a vision workshop on Wednesday night that I'm really excited about. I'm hoping that it will help me figure out exactly what it is that I want to create, and hopefully I can then formulate a plan on how to make it happen.
I know I want to share my story, create a community, help people, help people laugh. I want a successful business. Quite how that business includes my magic beans and shakes, my mental physical health journey, my blogging, my potential book, Instagram, Pinterest - some of these feel so big and I don't know how they connect. I think that's where I get stumped.
I was in contact with someone the other day who, upon me saying something on quite a different topic, responded that I clearly had some self limiting beliefs around money and success. I half laughed, because one of the programmes I have signed up to is about unblocking self limiting beliefs! It made me wonder - if other self-aware people can identify this so easily, how come it is taking me so long? I need to remind myself that this is my journey, and that others are at different stages in theirs; and that I am at exactly the place I am meant to be.
It is time to really start letting go of some of 'my' (aka, others) beliefs, and creating new (aka, my) ones. The cushion I got the other day said:
'Believe you can and you're halfway there'
I know this is true. I know I 'should' believe it. What is standing in my way to stop me actually doing it?
I'm somehow still in the class of 'fake it til you make it'. I'm saying positive things, putting positive vibes out there, yet don't entirely believe them. Or is that some of the lesson? And the point of affirmations? You need to keep putting them out there and TRUST that the universe hears it, and by doing that, the 'faking', we are indeed doing the 'making'?
Somehow I end up coming up with more questions than answers.
I think that questions are okay. At least they let me know that I don't have the answers, and perhaps they will help lead me in the direction to find them.
For today, I am getting some of this out of my head so there is room to prioritise the questions. And cleaning. I need to clean our house. I said at lunch that I don't like cleaning, but on some level I do, because it seems that when things are messy around me, they are more messy inside me. Maybe these are the words of wisdom for today.....
Messy house = Messy mind
That's my afternoon sorted then, enjoy yours! Love Becs xxxx