Airless Balloons, Absent Therapists, and Cupcakes

February 26, 2018

So, allegedly yesterday was launch day! Did I do it? Was there a big bang? As in balloons, streamers, cries of joy from around the world? Probably because I didn't send out a big bang! I did however send the link to two very special (and possibly slightly biased) people in my life - my BFF and, my Mum! I got lovely words from them, lots of support, and even a hint or two. 


Having sent them the link, and experienced all of the anxiety that went with that, waiting to hear what they would say and how they would react, I then wondered what I really wanted from sharing my blog. Again I ended up at the place that says I want to build a community that supports each other and, ultimately, dare I say it, changes the world. Changes it in small ways, or big ways. Changes the way people in the community live their life, and the way that they interact with others. And the way that they think about their body and their health, be it physical or mental.  


And then I went back to my bakery analogy, and wondered if my storefront was ready and how I want to present myself to the world (or the 5 people who end up reading this, if that is the case!).


I decided I needed a website, not just a blog coz who knows where/how this will end up, but when there is the option to dream small or dream big, always dream big!!


So I started trying to figure out a website, and it would seem that some things are a lot quicker in my mind than in reality. Just like life really! So, I think for now, I shall continue with the way things are, sharing my link with a few people here and there, and I'll work away in the background until I have the storefront I want the world to see.


Anyway, onto other things.....


Yesterday I did a workout. It's been a few months since I've done that and my muscles are letting me know they're still alive and well, just slightly more hidden than they were a few short months ago. The good news is that my strength doesn't appear to have reduced, even though I haven't been doing anything to keep it going. This gives me the faith and reconfirms to me that it is okay to have a break and that it is true that every day is an opportunity to start again. So many times we beat ourselves up because we had a takeaway / a bag of crisps / a bar of chocolate / ate fondant (icing!) / a tub of B&J's, and think 'that is it, I've ruined things, I might as well give up'. NO!


Any changes to our lives need to be sustainable. This is why I hate diets. The cut this out, cut that out, eat 12 calories a day, don't eat after 6pm, eat only cabbage, eat only eggs, don't eat carbs, eat only carbs (not that I'm sure that's really ever even been a thing), eat only protein, don't eat sugar, etc. Our bodies need good nutrition. They need consistency. They need the healthiest fuel and active days. We need to do our best to keep our body well.


Then there is the mind. Is restricting what you are eating to the absolute minimum a way to live your life? Are you going to be relaxed about it? Do you need to be a size 6? What feelings and pressure is associated with that need? Who's 'need' is it? Where did it come from?


Personally, I'd be happy with a size 12, and proper chuffed with a 10. Do I think I'll get there? I'll do my very best, and will most likely achieve the 12. It will take much more change for me to be a 10 - especially if my boobs keep up their 'we're not shrinking' stubbornness! Will I keep going? Yes. Will I beat myself up when I have something 'bad'? No. Why not? Because it's not 'good' for my mental health. And why let the media, or what we think other people think of us, dictate what we need to do to be accepted? If we are looking after our body, and we are looking after our mind, then who gets to judge us? Us! And, sorry to say, others will judge us anyway, so we might as well please ourselves.


We are all different, and what works for one will or will not work for another. We need to understand our body and our mind, and be honest with ourselves about what we are doing with the choices we make. I know, that through my shakes and my magic beans I am giving myself the best nutrition it can get, irrespective of what else I put into my mouth each day. Of course, if I fill my mouth with crap and don't exercise, my results will be diminished, and ultimately, that is my choice.


Finding out yesterday that my strength hasn't reduced is enabling me to make a much more concerted effort to be more active and take better care of what I put into my body on top of the nutrition I am giving myself every day.


My takeaway though, is - all is not lost. It reminds me again, for some reason, about my gynae's comment (I'm sure he'd love to know that four years later some random ex-patient is quoting him in a blog!) about 'one sunny day does not a summer make', and know that one day / one week / one month of bad eating / inactivity does not mean that all is lost. We can always start again. And I believe that is why we wake up every day. It is an opportunity to change what we want to change.


Speaking of changes, and sorry, this one is going on a bit! My dearest therapist has had a family emergency and has had to return home. She msgd last week to say she had to cancel all her appts for the week. I replied saying something along the lines of, no worries, do what you need to do, don't worry about me. That said, I was looking forward to seeing her this week as our time is always fruitful and I feel grounded once I've seen her.


I woke to a msg this morning saying that the emergency she is dealing with may take some time, and gave me the number of another therapist. My first instinct was what could I do to help, then of course I went through the 95 million possibilities that she is dealing with and how I wanted to know more. Then I had to remind myself that she is my therapist, and although I think highly of her and value her immensely, we are not friends, and she has other people to focus on and help her with what she is dealing with.


It was only a while later that I realised that I was sad, and felt a sense of being lost. Missing a session for a week is okay when it's my decision, but my reaction shows me that it's different if it's something outside of my control. I have so much going on and I want her insight, and it feels too early to be dealing with some of this on my own. But then I thought, I am 45. I am old enough to deal with this on my own. And, am I really on my own? Is that not part of the reason that I want to create this community? So that no one is ever really alone.


My therapist gave me the number of someone else I could see if I need to while she is away, but I really don't want to. We have a connection and I would sooner wait until I can see her. And I want to see how I can deal with some of this on my own. There have been a few dodgy moments today - things haven't gone quite my way, I've been dealing with and stressing over a poorly cat that needs to wear the cone of shame (which incidentally she is currently out of and hiding under the couch!), technology hasn't been my friend and I've wanted to cry. But I managed to have a word with myself and turn my day around.


I wish my therapist was here and I wish she wasn't experiencing whatever it is that she is experiencing, but this is another learning for me isn't it? This is me figuring out to use the tools I have been taught, and the intuition that is within me, and trust myself. And it's about bloody time that I did this!

"Suck it up cupcake" is a saying I like. I think today, that's what I'm doing!


Time to sleep (and stress about my cat!), love Becs xxxx

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