I feel pretty tearful as I sit to write this, which is frustrating and upsetting (are they the same thing?) at the same time.
I've been having some really good days. I've been really positive. I've been doing the daily affirmations following my workshop last week, and I've been working hard to design and get this website up and running, as well as attempting to link all my accounts together so facebook, instagram, pinterest and twitter all know who I am and that I'm the same person.
I get really excited about stuff and then find that it absolutely exhausts and then irritates me. I lose patience, and my temper, and because I'm still learning how to find different ways of coping, I find myself wanting to give up and cry. I know this is not helpful. I looked at the ways I've written on my Mood Changers page, and have tried some, but do believe sometimes it's necessary to just stop. I was going to write "admit defeat" but stopped myself because of the negativity that screams. That at least, is a positive.
I know why I'm feeling like this. Yes, there is a LOT that I'm trying to put in place and I want everything like yesterday, and it's taking time, and it's taking my energy. A rather large reason on why I'm feeling like this is, lack of sleep. I've mentioned before that sleep and taking medication on time are two key factors to a stable life with bipolar, and I haven't been good at either. Yes, we installed medisafe back on Mr P's phone so he gets alerted if I forget to take my medication, but neither of us have yet realised the importance of these reminders, so I haven't been taking my medication on time in the evening - morning doesn't seem to be an issue anymore so that's a plus.
That brings me to sleep. I looked at my sleep history during February, and there were only four nights where I got 8 hours or more sleep. That's 24 nights where I got less than 8 hours. Now, I know for a lot of people they can get by quite nicely on less, but I know for me that 8-9 hours a night is optimal.
I'm tired. Actually, I'm exhausted. Not really physically, but mentally. I know this because of the irritation, frustration, anger and tears. I'm annoyed at myself. It seems that I'm caught up in the excitement of what I want to do, the whole self-improvement thing, that I am forgetting, no, not forgetting, just not DOING, the basics.
I'm annoyed because Mr P and I were going to go and experience another wonderful brunch / date tomorrow, but I'm so tired today I can't face it. And what's worse, is that I know that Mr P has had a hard week at work and he'll be tired and disappointed, and the first day of our weekend will be rubbish. Mr P will go out, I will say it's fine (which it actually is, because I think he shouldn't have to sit around doing nothing because I'm tired), but when he goes I'll cry. Because that's how these things work.
It upsets me because I know this pattern. It upsets me because I want so much for things to be different. It upsets me because I am trying so hard to keep myself busy and MAKE something of myself in a non-conventional way because it seems that is most likely to be the best for me.
When I get like this, I try really hard not to be negative, and, especially now, just recognise what I'm feeling, but that is hard. I'm thinking of things that have pissed me off, and how inconsiderate some people can be (a woman driving crazily and flying up behind me this morning flashing her lights as she weaved in and out of traffic is one example), and it makes me sad, and deflated.
I know that this will pass, so I know that I need to sit with it, get some sleep, and find the positivity that is inside me.
See, I said my posts wouldn't always be positive, and that I'd be honest. I guess that's two things I can be proud of today.
Hoping that your day is the best it can be, love Becs xxxx