It's hardly the most interesting title but I couldn't think of anything else! It seems my creativity will go into posts and not headings at this stage! ;-)
I am sitting here a little tired from a wonderful weekend. I need to watch myself because it was such a lovely weekend and I am so tired, and these can be triggers to either depression or hypomania, but I'm aware of it, and taking care.
The wonderful Mr P had to work late again on Thursday. This is becoming a bit of a routine, and not loved by either of us, but, it is what it is and instead of me getting annoyed about it as I have been, I have decided to be grateful that I am married to and loved by a man that is is so dedicated and has such a great job and is able to provide for us, especially while I'm on my journey to health and wellbeing.
We had a 'Picnic Pantry' brunch planned for Friday, and I was like a kid at Christmas! So excited at the idea of chilling on a blanket (no table and chairs requested in our booking!!) in the sun, with Mr P. We had seen it online so didn't have much of an idea of what to expect. We arrived at the hotel, got the lift to the fifth floor, were walked through the restaurant to outside where there were chairs and tables, and umbrellas and massive padded mats as blankets. Each blanket had four big throw cushions and bean bags, as well as a raise square area complete with glasses, buckets with water chilling in ice, cutlery and, our very own picnic basket.
They had outdoor pantries full of all sorts of scrummy food, mason jars with cous cous, veges and salmon, pate, bread rolls, sushi, every type of fruit juice you could want, hummus, carrot and pepper sticks, as well as all manner of desserts. I'm almost sad to say we didn't get as far as the dessert section. There were also various cooking stations with bbq food, smoked food, they had mini burgers, everything you could ask for - and more! We packed our basket, one side each and I practically skipped back to our blanket.
It was so refreshing to be sitting outside, so close to REAL grass, the sun shining down, they had a guy with his guitar who was brilliant. We could lounge and chat and sing, and be silent, and just be. We could also have had a swim but somehow we never managed that either. It finishes at the end of the month because the temperatures are rising rather rapidly, but we're hoping to get back one more time. If not - roll on Autumn! I may have a slight Rudolph nose, but feel so good with a big dose of vitamin D.
On a less cheery note, I have made the tough decision to walk away from a friendship that was no longer healthy for me. This friend and I had become very close very quickly and very intensely over the past year, and it was great to be honest and open, and also know that I was helping someone who needed to be honest and open with herself. I loved having a friend so close to me, who needed me, given I've moved away from my close friends, and really connecting on a deep level can be tough, especially as I haven't always felt like doing 'normal' stuff, so someone who understood that, was a god-send.
Things were great until I started going downhill towards the end of last year. I was working full time for the first time in a while, I was finding the responsibility and stress of that very hard to deal with, and as I've mentioned in a previous post, I ended up needing to leave that job. Leaving it, as I think I've also already written, sent me into a pretty deep depression, a familiar feeling of failure, and I needed more energy to keep my head above water. As is the case with depression, we tend to withdraw, and I did that big time.
I started on this self-discovery journey, the reading, the writing, the blogging, and started feeling that there was hope. When there is so much change going on, it is hard for others to know where they fit. I said to someone the other day, the person changing knows they're changing, and are ready for it. The people around them, it is more of a surprise for, and, in my situation I don't tend to share things until I'm comfortable with where I am at with them, and have some kind of plan or decision. There are very few people I share the process of working things out with. As I was doing some of this thinking and working out, my friend felt pushed out, yet I was feeling pressure and the sensations of anxiety, each time she got in touch, and then didn't know how to respond.
I made the decision to cut off that friendship. I believe it is the best thing for me at this time, and believe it or not, I think it is the best thing for her as well. I am sad, but there is also some relief. I don't feel good that I know I have caused her pain, but I know that the ongoing pain that I was feeling was not good for me, and as I have been told over and over and over and over, is that each and every one of us need to put ourselves first. I am learning this, and it is a difficult lesson to learn, but it is paramount to creating a future where I am happier and healthier, mentally. Who knows what the future holds for our friendship, whether we will be able to pick it up again. I guess time will tell. And if she happens to read this, please know that I love and care for you and wish you all the happiness.
The next change is that my therapist will not be returning to Dubai. This came as a shock, and I admit I shed some tears at this news. I feel some pain, like loss, and I feel sad about this. Like the paragraphs about my friendship above, I am the person that the change is happening to, rather than going through, and I need to adjust. I am concerned for her and what is happening in her life that has led to this, and I wish her so much love as she gets things sorted. I, at this particular moment, don't feel the need to rush into a relationship with the therapist who is taking over her clients. Don't panic, I know that therapy is key to ongoing mental health, but I am doing well, with my thoughts, with my positivity, with my connections, with the hypnotherapy, with my affirmations, etc. and I feel that at the moment, I want to see how I get on. I have details of the new therapist, and I think I will recognise the signs of needing to get an appointment booked before things have moved to a tricky situation. But for now, I'm actually doing okay.
I may not be the most stable, still riding my waves, but I am managing to recognise what's going on, so is Mr P, and I know that between the both of us we are much more aware than we have been previously. We are more open and honest, and that is one of the most important things.
I feel like I need to sign off with something positive, and given I was just able to smile, and FEEL the smile, I think it is:
I feel well and optimistic.
Wishing you the same for your day, love Becs xxxx