Sometimes it's Tricky

April 4, 2018

Six days since my last post! There are a multitude of reasons why I haven't sat down and written. Well, I have written. Started, stopped, erased, started, stopped, erased, and then just stopped. It's been a tricky time, and sometimes I don't find it as easy to put my thoughts down. Today though I got some news I've been waiting on for the last week, and although it's disappointing, I feel like I can kind of breathe out a bit, and figure out how to keep life moving forward.


It's a funny thing that we all do (I'm not even going to attempt to categorise it as a bipolar, or mental illness thing because it's not), put on a 'brave face' and carry on even though our world might be much less than the view we give to everyone. This is one of the less wonderful things with the internet - even though it's this massive thing that I don't understand, where data is stored in clouds and we can connect via some random signal that we can't even see, there is a bloody great solid wall that it creates, and it's a superb wall to hide behind.


We let people into our lives, but we only show them what we want them to see. We can create whatever we want for ourselves. Granted, this doesn't just go on over the internet - a great number of us do it in face to face contact too.


I massively struggle with positivity. This shouldn't be a shock if you've read my other posts. Doctors and therapists have told me for years about the power of positive thinking, people have made millions writing books about it, giving talks about it, training people in it, and it's something that I am REALLY trying to do, especially after my Hypnotransition session a few weeks ago. It has worked to an extent, I can make myself feel positive, and get through each day. But the reality is that it doesn't miraculously "FIX" things.


Even though I have been posting positive things, and telling myself positive things, and forcing myself to be social, there has been some pretty major stuff going on for me, that only, in the moment, Mr P and my Mum have known about.


My life is so up and down. Mr P's life is so up and down. Most people who are involved with me are affected by the fact that I am so up and down. Most people no doubt find it tough to deal with. I get that. I appreciate that. I take that on far too much, and I make excuses for people, and blame myself when I don't even need to. That's something I'm working on, but for now, it is what it is.


That said, and as difficult it is for everyone involved with me, no one finds it more difficult, than I do. When I say that, I'm talking about *MY* life, I'm not saying my issues are worse than anyone else's, but that the people in my life who experience the way that I am, do not feel what I feel. Just like I can't feel what they feel. Just like I can't feel what you feel. Just like everyone's idea of the illusive 'perfect' varies massively. The example I often use is eggs. I don't like them, so no matter which way they are prepared, and even if they were prepared by a Michelin Chef, they still wouldn't be 'perfect' for me. Feelings are the same.


People only know what we feel if we tell them. And it's interesting how much we really ask people how they feel. We ask 'how are you?', 'how're you doing?', 'how's your day?', but we don't tend to say 'how are you feeling?'. And honestly, if someone asked me that, I may or may not tell them, and I don't think I'm different from anyone else in the world in that respect.


My being positive has helped me the last few weeks, and initially I was totally revved up and believing it, but like anything, it is hard to sustain when things are pretty rubbish. I've still been putting the positivity out there, partly so I could try to believe it, but also to see how much positivity is actually out there in the world. And it makes me sad that there isn't so much. Or that we have to look really hard to find it.


One thing that I think is specific for 'invisible illnesses' is that people don't know about it unless we tell them. And if we do, they often don't know what to do about it. It's easier to steer clear of it. It's not discussed. People close to me who know that I have been very suicidal, do not ask how I FEEL. They don't check in with me. Even when I specifically talk about being suicidal. I used to keep it to myself like a dirty little secret, but not anymore. I think it's because they are worried they won't know what to do with the information they might get from me. But I don't know, because clearly it's not talked about.


I started this blog in the hope of getting conversations started. I have shared my link on social media. I have given it to friends who are not on social media. I guess I saw it as a way for people to find out what I have to say about this life of mine that makes our relationships tricky, that maybe they would learn something about me.


Anyway, back to the "tricky" time. Just under two weeks ago my marriage was over, and things were in place for my life to be the same. I'm a third of the way through my promise to Mr P that we would re-evaluate things in six weeks. I'm doing my very best to keep the positivity going, but I have to confess, it's not easy. Once again the words that come to mind are "one sunny day does not a summer make". I may have moments of positivity. I may have moments where life feels possible. I may have moments of laughter.


But I'm very conscious that these are moments. And it takes an awful lot of moments to change a life.


I don't want to "give up". That said, I don't actually see it as giving up. I see it as escaping from pain that no one else can see or understand, that has gone on for years, that has meant that I have such low opinions of myself and such high ones for everyone else, that make relationships so tough, that make life for those who interact with me difficult. I had a friend a while ago who was super confident. She couldn't understand that people weren't naturally confident. For me it's the reverse. I can't understand how people are. And it winds me the h*ll up that it's such an ongoing struggle.


We've been invited out tonight. I really want to go, and was so amazingly chuffed when we were invited. This afternoon has changed that, and that pisses me off. We will go, because that's what's people do right? Put the smile on and let the world see that all is good in my world. Because what's the alternative? Let them down. Potentially ruin a new friendship because I've let people down. Let Mr P down. He will think that I'm not keeping up my end of the deal and trying as hard as I can.


Urgh! Tricky!!


I haven't "given up" yet, and I am going to investigate something that might allegedly change all of this and miraculously make my world brighter. No doubt I'll share the experience if I decide to go ahead with it.


Whatever you're doing, I hope you're having the best day you can, love Becs xxxx

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