I recently read an article someone had written saying that Bipolar is part of his identity and if there was a “cure” or a pill, he wouldn’t take it. I believe that we are all defined to a certain extent by our illness, but as I said to a friend when asked a few weeks ago if I’d flick a switch and turn it off, my answer is “YES, I most certainly would!!!"
I AM NOT Bipolar. I am Becs, first and foremost. I am a woman, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a sister, and auntie. I am kind, caring, courageous, brave, inspiring, intelligent, fun, supportive, loyal, resilient. I am a lot of other things. I want happiness, like most everyone in the world. And I HAVE Bipolar.
Yes, having Bipolar has me writing and being courageous and sharing my story, and without it maybe I wouldn’t have a story to write. But maybe I wouldn’t need to. I would have my marriage, my friends, my career, my LIFE. I would not have to watch my mood and whatever is going on around me with such detail. Maybe I could be carefree, maybe I could have “normal” problems. Maybe I wouldn’t need to take medication twice a day in an attempt to have me stable (which, by the way, still doesn’t have me stable). Maybe I wouldn’t need to try and carve out a place in society because I can’t have a conventional one. Maybe I don’t want to be “artistic” as “so many with Bipolar are”.
Maybe I would like to assure my husband that we will have a more regular marriage in the future. Maybe I’d like to get rid of the suicidal thoughts that flood my mind. Maybe I want back the high functioning mind that had me holding down some pretty rewarding and decent jobs. Maybe I’d like to get up in the morning and go to work, and at the end of the month get paid for it. Maybe I wouldn't, but it would be awesome to have that choice.
When someone does make the pill that takes away my Bipolar I’ll be first in line. Yes, this illness has given me self-awareness, and resilience, and empathy, and probably other things. But it has taken away A LOT. I didn’t ask for this life, and I have to fight every day to get some semblance of normality.
The grass is not always greener, but by golly gosh, I’d be keen to give it a go!
Wishing you the best day possible, love Becs xxxx