30th April 2018
I really enjoyed waking up this morning. Not words I'd normally be heard uttering, but this morning was special. I woke up in bed with my husband, Mr P, having slept soundly ALL night. Given we have been together a few years and married for nearly seven years, this shouldn't be something surprising, but it is.
Sleep is a MASSIVE thing for me. Not just sleep, but QUALITY sleep. Uninterrupted sleep. And at least eight hours. This is one of the top three things that go into the most stable version of me.
And here's something very few people know. In order to achieve this, Mr P and I spend a lot of nights sleeping in separate rooms. This is not something that gets talked about - we're married, we live in the same house, of course we sleep in the same room, right? But no, more often than not, we don't.
Everyone has their own sleep pattern, and I guess mine has never really been very good, which is why three of the medications I take are sedating. Yes, they make me drowsy and if I stay up long enough I can fall asleep almost the second my head hits the pillow (sometimes even before I reach bed!), but I don't always stay asleep. Especially if Mr P happens to be snoring. Or coughs. Or sneezes. Or bumps into me accidentally. Or gets up in the night. Or any of the usual things that people do during the course of a night.
If I'm woken up (and most times Mr P isn't even aware I've woken), I tend to go through a range of emotions, most of them not pleasant or kind, to either myself or Mr P. I might lie there for a while and try to get back to sleep, but more often than not, I'll pick up myself, my pillow and my sloth ("Stanley"), and head into the spare room.
Once in dark surroundings I'll hopefully go off to sleep relatively quickly, but a lot of times it's not that easy, and I'll be awake for more than an hour trying to drop back off to the land of nod. When my sleep is broken, my dreams tend to be more vivid, and more distressing and can make the thought of going back into those same dreams scary.
When the sun comes up a few hours later, there has been a change to the mood in the house. Things are a little bit distant between us. Mr P, understandably (and also, extremely endearingly), is disappointed to wake up and find that the wife he went to bed with has disappeared. I wake with a range of emotions - disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration. Not at Mr P, but at ME and how even one night of disturbed sleep can have such an impact on my mood, on my day, on my relationship.
We don't often talk about this. There has been the odd conversation where it has been agreed that my sleep comes first, and although it may help me and my mind, it doesn't really help our relationship. Saying goodnight and going to sleep next to the person you love, and who loves you, and waking up next to that person each day is one of the wonderful things about being married, and I feel sad that it is something that we need to plan for. Last week I got seven days of eight hours sleep in the spare room, and my reward was that last night I got to go to sleep next to Mr P, and this morning I got to wake up with him.
One night out of eight isn't bad, but I wish it was more. This might not seem like such a big deal, but it is just one of the compromises Mr P makes being married to me, and there are many more, but some of them seem to be much more easy to talk about.
I think the lesson I will take from this is, even though it was only one night, I am grateful for that one night.
Wishing you the best day possible, love Becs xxxx