Just Thinking....

May 11, 2018

I enjoy talking with people. I enjoy getting to know them. I enjoy sharing experiences with them. I enjoy laughing. And sometimes I even enjoy the closeness of crying with someone.


I get excited and enthused - by people, by ideas, by sunshine, by exercise.


And then I get tired. And a bit overwhelmed. And a bit lost. And I get myself in a bit of a muddle. And I don't know where to start. And I feel embarrassed by that. And the tiredness kicks in a bit more. And then the self-doubt. And the 'they won't want to hear from me', 'I've messed up', 'I've missed the boat', 'it's too late', and the other thoughts that can enter my head.


And then I don't know what to do. I feel like a fraud writing positive things and then feeling blah and not writing anything. There's no consistency. The word consistency has me now thinking routine, and I get sick of always coming back to routine. Especially when there ISN'T a routine! I find it HARD to have a routine (for all the reasons above) and it really winds me up. I want to be the person who is able to set a routine and stick to it, and not get derailed if things don't go to plan, but there is something preventing me, and at this moment, it makes me want to cry.


I want to cry because I GET IT. I GET how it must appear to the outside world. If I know I need a routine, then what makes me not have a routine? I have had a conversation numerous times with numerous people about me not taking my medication on time, and why don't I do it if I know it is the best thing for me. I just don't. There isn't a specific reason. There certainly isn't a GOOD reason. I just don't. I have reminders on my phone and my FitBit. My medication is generally close to me when I am due to take it. But at least 5 nights out of 7 I will not take it when the first alarm goes off (morning meds aren't such a problem and don't have such an impact).


I have been out late twice in the last week and haven't taken my medication until very late at night, which means I haven't gone to sleep until the wee small hours in the morning. Which means when I get up the next day I start with a sleep deficit. Mr P is away and I've been woken very early by Arthur yesterday morning and water pouring through the bathroom ceiling this morning. That's more sleep deficit. I am probably 8 hours down on sleep this week. For me that is the equivalent of one whole night.


And there I have my answer. Routine. Sleep. The two main things that can make or break my frame of mind. So very simple. Yet so very hard.


I had no idea really of what I was going to write when I started this, but through the process of writing I have once again figured out something I need to be reminded of. Frustrating that it's once again something I already know, but it seems I need to keep learning until a change happens. So that is today's lesson.


I'm off to try and make up some of that sleep, and hope that when I wake in the morning I have the energy to get out on my bike and start my day off right, so it is more productive than today has been.


Wishing you the best possible day, love Becs xxxx

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