Anxious Times

May 27, 2018

I've got an appointment with a new psychiatrist. Mr P is able to come with me, which makes me happy, but I'm still not looking forward to it.


I wrote in an earlier post that my current psychiatrist (Dr H) is leaving and I need to find a new one. This happens, and I'm okay with her leaving, but doesn't mean I'm okay with meeting a new Dr.


I have to start again. AGAIN. I have to go through my history and talk about things that are very difficult to talk about with someone I will have just met, so that he can begin to understand a bit about me. I have spent hours tracking my medication history so that we're not starting from scratch. I will have an hour. An hour to tell my story - not just the last four years, but the last 45.


I do feel a bit sorry for this new doctor, Dr G. He doesn't know anything about me. I will walk into his office expecting great things from him. He will be under close scrutiny, we will almost be interviewing him. The relationship between me and my doctors is something very special, and I already know that if Wednesday doesn't go well I will not want to see him again.


Dr G will be my fifth psychiatrist in four years. Dr B in London, was brilliant. I didn't pick her, but I completely lucked out that she was available to see me when I needed her. I had more than a year under her very intense care, and had ended up in a pretty stable state prior to my move to Dubai.


My first psych here, Dr A, was one that I had researched. I researched a LOT. He had trained in the UK, and I felt this was important. He prescribed me my medication (that Dr B had me on), and didn't seem interested when I told him I was struggling, and suicidal - he told me things would settle down. Cue the search for a new doctor, and huge disappointment and lack of faith in myself that my research hadn't paid off.


My GP sent me to someone she had heard good things about. Off I went, with high hopes. Dr K was very much into the science, more than me as a person, a patient. Well, that's how it came across anyway. It seemed he was very keen to make lots of changes to my meds and added a number of new meds, ultimately removing the ones I had been stable on. He kept saying that whatever physical side effects I was feeling would calm down every time Mr P or I raised it, and we needed to have patience. I left London on three medications. With Dr K I found myself on seven.


Our relationship came to an end when I was in ICU due to medication (more on this in another post). We saw him the day I was admitted to hospital, and it seemed the thing he was most concerned about was paperwork to try and prove it wasn't his fault. He said he would come and see me the next day in hospital. He didn't. Mr P did get a call from his office when I was in ICU to ask if I needed a prescription for more medication as their records indicated I would be running out! Needless to say, it was a very short conversation and a very strong 'no' (and I doubt it was even 'no thanks' given how Mr P was feeling at the time!). Dr K was never heard of again.


Dr H (#4) came along during my ICU stay. She was a consultant on call at the hospital at the time. I am unaware of meeting her given I was kept sedated at the time, and to be honest, I was hallucinating at the time so my 'memory' of our first meeting has it taking place in a concrete car park!


2017 was about getting back on my feet - physically as well as mentally, and I basically did what I was told with regards to medication. I was happy to be down from seven meds to only four. I wasn't stable during 2017, but I was better than I had ended 2016, so stuck things out. Mr P and I had decided in January 2018 that I would look around for a second opinion, especially given my new focus to understand my condition, medication, and the impact that it was having on my life.


Dr H let me know a couple of months ago that she was leaving, so the hunt was on again. Dr B (#1, London) is the best psych I have seen to date, and given my experience between then and now, I am very apprehensive of what lies ahead.


I'm stronger in a lot of ways. I'm better prepared. Mr P will be with me which I'm totally chuffed about (and also makes me tearful with relief), and he has said we need to make sure we're in control rather than in awe. I will be tearful, Mr P will keep us on track. Our plan is to give Dr G my history, and ask him to go away and think about what he recommends, without changing anything. We want to be a part of any decisions, which is the way that it really should be for anyone I think.


I have been very tearful, very unsure, very needy. I know there is no point in worrying and getting anxious about it, but knowing and doing (or not) are two very different things. It feels like Wednesday is a very big day as I once again put my life in the hands of someone I don't know.


Here's to lots of distractions (possibly Netflix!) over the next few days!


Keep you posted, love Becs xxxx

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