What I struggle with, and I guess what other people struggle to understand, is that I can be in the depths of despair and still function to some extent.
I can go out and have a nice time. I can interact with you, I can be positive and have a laugh, and in that brief interaction or few hours that I am with you or even a group of people, I am okay. You will think I’m okay. Happy even, and most probably, extremely positive. You will think there is nothing wrong.
But what you don’t know is that the instant we are finished speaking, have said goodbye, you are out of sight, I shut down. The walls of my world start closing in on me, and I am instantly in my own dark despair, hating the world, hating myself, hating the fact that our interaction was so brief, hating the fact that I couldn’t open up to you - me, the person who constantly talks about being open and ending the stigma around mental health. Ironic right?!
Why don’t I open up to you? Because, more than likely, you won’t understand. I wish you would. I wish you could. I wish I could trust you enough to think you might, but I can’t.
You see, very few people do understand. Those closest to me don't understand. I’ve found out that even people with the same diagnosis as me don’t understand. If I experience that, how can I expect people without Bipolar to understand?
How can someone be in the midst of depression, yet get up, go out, socialise, smile, have a good time (an actual good time, as opposed to a pretend good time), and the next minute / hour / day not be able to shower, to brush teeth, to stop crying, or talk to people. How can I be riddled with thoughts of not wanting to be here, for no apparent reason? Who understands that? If I can't, who can?
The reality is, no matter how much I want things to change, this world with a mental disorder is a very lonely place, and most days, I'd do anything to have a different mind.
Love Becs xxxx