Looking for a Quick Fix

July 1, 2018

Well, I say quick, but it wouldn't be a quick fix really because this hell has been going on for too long.


I'm using my mood tracking app, and the insight I am getting will no doubt be useful when I start with my new therapist later this week. The app pops up randomly and asks how I'm feeling in that moment. Honestly, sometimes I don't respond to it, but it gathers a lot more data than trusting me with a pen and paper, and when I do actually fill it in, it makes me really think about how I actually do feel.


My change in medication is, I believe, making a difference. I know this because my sleep is worse, which probably seems like a strange way to know it's working! I'm awake earlier, I struggle to get to sleep at night, and I have disturbed sleep. The awake earlier I can kind of deal with, except for mornings like today, when there was a very disrupted sleep and I woke like I had pins in my eyes and sandbags on my head.


I'm pleased I'm off the seroquel and the triletpal, especially if the trileptal wasn't actually doing anything for me (except add chemicals into my body that I could have done without), and the seroquel I haven't been happy about for a while.


At the appt with the lovely Dr S last week he said he thought that perhaps I could ultimately just be stable on the new med. Wouldn't that be blimin awesome? Especially since the antidepressant I've been taking (or any of the previous) have potentially been doing more harm that good. I'd be happy if I could pop a couple of pills a day and be broadly myself.


Where things start to get a bit tricky, is that I notice my coping skills aren't all that. I get p*ssed off really easily. Things that irritate me, really irritate me. Things that I may have gone along with I now feel strongly about, and I realise I don't know how to cope effectively (and not alienate everyone in the process!).


I am looking forward to starting back in therapy this week, with Dr R. I am hoping she lives up to the picture I have of her in my mind. I hope that she will read my mood journal and notice that I am making progress, even if it doesn't seem like it to the outside world.


One pretty crappy thing from the last week is a rash that had a few people thinking was SJS that has been keeping me company for the last seven days. It's one of those things - when do you worry? And based on my lithium experience, is it bad to worry too soon? I didn't actually worry (until doctors started worrying), but was scratching like nobody's business and on Tuesday night was in tears because of the pain and discomfort. Off to the doctor again on Wednesday (after seeing psych and gp on Monday) where she wasn't happy, called psych, he wasn't happy, called in another opinion, he wasn't happy, and finally off to a dermatologist who calmed the situation down, and said I don't have SJS. Cue tears and sighs of relief - mainly because I didn't want to have to start a new medication all over again - no, not even about the damage that SJS could do to me and my body! It goes to show what wonderful doctors I have tho, because my GP phoned on Wednesday afternoon, and my psych was in touch on Thursday and Saturday to check up and see how things were. It also shows me that the medication I put into my body really does have the ability to cause serious issues. I can't decide how worried about this I am.


I have spent the last few days feeling pretty rubbish. Antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, antihistamines, steroid injection and cream, as well as all my normal meds have been doing their thing, and I'm on the mend. I'm peeved, coz I know it's had an impact on my state of mind, and I really wish I could just get on with things.


I'm realising I'm not very patient. I'm not sure I like that about me. I'm also realising that I don't have the desire to see things through, my motivation is pretty shot, and that annoys me, and I really need help to get that sorted.


I'm meant to have been grocery shopping today, but a number of things have meant that's something for tomorrow instead, and I'm going to give in and have a sleep. I haven't even watched the rugby that's been taped over the past three days. That's always a sign I'm not in a good place!


Wishing you the best day possible, love Becs

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